My British Chinese Identity

A Journey of Self-Discovery through hardship and celebration

Words by Leo Chan

Three decades ago, my parents migrated from Hong Kong to the United Kingdom. Moving around the different regions of the south, they first settled in Surrey. After the birth of my two older sisters, they moved to London where I was born. For them, navigating the complexities of British society proved difficult; it was uncharted territories that their Hong Kong upbringing did not prepare them for. Despite all their hardships, they carved out a new life, driven by aspirations for the success of their children. It is their narrative that lays the foundations for my story today.

I am a blend of Western and Eastern influences. In my formative years, I reveled in the juxtaposition of my mother’s Chinese cooking while also simultaneously immersing myself in the British cuisine provided at school. My mornings were punctuated by greeting my mother with 早晨 (zou2 san4) and then ‘good morning, teacher’ at school. The diverse culinary experience I gained was also thanks to the quintessentially British lunches I was provided at school: from the fish and chips, to the Eton messes, to my mother’s aromatic and heartfelt dishes prepared every night for my sisters and I. Blessed with the fusion of two distinct culinary traditions, my plate and identity were enriched from the tongue of my palate to the core of my identity.

Not only did I revel in the food but, alongside the guidance of my sisters, I watched copious British TV, from Tracy Beaker to Horrid Henry. My mother and father on the other hand enjoyed their Chinese cable ‘TVB.’ I remember constantly asking to watch CBBC after school, replacing their Hong Kong TV Dramas to no avail. Unbeknownst to me, the interplay of our cultural backgrounds silently shaped my evolving identity.

Yet as I grew up and embraced the Western British ideals of school life and London society, I unwittingly distanced myself from my Chinese heritage. I stopped attending Saturday Chinese school in China Town, and I stopped speaking Cantonese to my parents. The convenience of assimilating into British culture overshadowed my connection to my parents' strong Chinese roots. In fact, I started to resent my Chinese identity; it made me different, and it made me a target for crude and hateful jokes. I knew I had to kill a part of my identity in order to fully assimilate into society. So, I did. I severed my connection I had with Chinese food to remain palatable to my peers. I stopped developing my linguistic tongue so I could learn London slang. I stopped sharing my life with my parents because I knew they wouldn’t understand my newfound identity; it was one they would disapprove of.

It wasn’t until recent years, amidst the background of the Covid-19 pandemic, where I was forced to confront the reality of my identity as a British Chinese individual. My eyes pricked tentatively at news articles that depicted individuals of East Asian descent being targets for hate crimes. I watched unnervingly at the news of Chinese businesses being the subject of physical attacks. I cried incessantly hearing my parents fear that their safety was now compromised in their own hometown. I was forced to reconcile with my heritage. Despite my British upbringing, my Chinese identity remained intrinsic to me, woven into each memory of my upbringing, subconsciously shaping each thought and decision I made; I started to recognize their intertwined nature.

Reclaiming my Chinese roots was not without challenges. My journey of self-discovery began when I started to converse with my parents in Cantonese again. My memories came flushing back like a ribbon of moonlight leading me back to an equilibrium that I once had. I replaced the silence of our lost language with classic Cantonese melodies my parents used to play in the distant background of my childhood, and I began embracing my mother’s cooking once again.

Through introspection and dialogues with my friends and my sisters, I discovered a profound sense of empowerment. In fact, building a community of support, both with my family and friends, was instrumental in this transformative process of self-discovery.

In embracing my dual identity, I found power and conviction in my actions. I am a proud British Chinese individual, and I aspire to inspire others to embrace their cultural heritage with the same pride and authenticity.